Virginia Satir, a psychotherapist, wrote, “Life is not what it’s supposed to be. It’s what it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference.”

Life is not what it’s supposed to be. Humph…um… It’s not?

But…but…what about…

the life we picture…

the future we dream of…

the plans we make…

the timelines we create…

The anniversaries we celebrate.

Should we…stop? Of course not.

I’ve learned that we should walk boldly into every moment, embracing it for what it is, what it could be and the things that had to fall apart, break, be destroyed or die for it to exist. 

Have you ever heard of the term, “Kintsugi”? I encountered it recently in a fiction novel and I was curious enough to dig a little deeper. Most definitions found online simply state that it is the Japanese Art of putting broken pottery back together with gold. Hmmm…I was intrigued and needed more. I found an even better definition explaining that Kintsugi is an intricate restoration process of repairing cracks, fractures and flaws with the aesthetic goal of making the scar look like a nature landscape. The goal isn’t to create a shiny, new piece. The goal is to highlight each unique flaw then repair it in such a way that the “creation” is stronger with its flaw incorporated into the new vision. That’s the explanation that resonates with me.

Today, September 4, 2024, marks the 20^th anniversary of my wedding to my late husband.

20 years since that day two “baby” adults decided to take the plunge. September 4 had been our “anniversary” since high school. He proposed on 9/4/03 and we keep it going with the wedding on 9/4/04.

We celebrated together as husband and wife for 7 years before his death. At this point, I’ve been widowed almost twice as long as I was actually married.

What does it all mean? It means that life is what it is.

Where did I think we’d be in life as our 20^th anniversary rolled in? I have no idea.

I hadn’t dreamed that far yet. We’d likely be laughing hard at the anniversary gift guide, because really…china…as a gift? For 20 years married? Yeah, hard pass on that.

I pictured us together. We celebrated our 5 year anniversary with our 8 month old son. So I knew for our 20th that same baby boy would be a teenager. Did I picture that baby boy would be almost 16, standing 5’11” and sporting a face remarkably similar to that of his deceased father? No, I certainly did not have that on my Bingo card, yet here we are. Because in the right now, I wake up daily and interact with our son, who looks way too much like the 15-year-old boy that I met roaming the halls of T.C. Williams High School in 1991.

I suppose I pictured a long marriage, because don’t most people? You know, I take you, you take me, sickness and health, for richer for poorer, till death do us part. And most people simply don’t think death will part you 7 years into your marriage, well before either of you turns 40.

Here’s where kintsugi joins the party. Dare I say I invited it in?

My heart and soul cracked into a million pieces on 6/9/12 and for a couple of years, every milestone was deeply painful. And wedding anniversaries? They gutted me. The pain of disappointment. The ache of what would never be. The tearing apart of the “US” and the return to the “ME”. The hollowness of the calendar surrounding a date that had made me smile since 1993.  And that was hard to share. I’ve written a little about my anniversary in the past, but my journal took most of the rawest emotions and tucked them away for me.

I’ve worked hard to rebuild my life after my husband’s death. I didn’t know I was practicing kintsugi, but I certainly was.

I pulled strings from everywhere to rebuild myself. Therapy, prescription medicine, journaling, surrounding myself with family and friends, finding other widowed folks to be in community with, finishing my undergrad and master’s degrees, and devoting myself fully to that teenager who now gets the biggest laugh from resting his chin atop my head to emphasize the height difference. My goal wasn’t a “better” version of myself; rather a rebuilt version of myself that incorporated the heartbreak, pain and lifetime of grief into the newer version of me that is more unique, beautiful and resilient.

As today approached, I was feeling…unsettled. I wasn’t deeply sad nor was I elated with joy. But even in the murky middle, this is a milestone that I feel the need to acknowledge.

Why? Because life is what it is. And you don’t get to rewind the story. Forward is the only way this story goes. And what exactly is my life like today, in this moment? I am feeling tremendous gratitude for my late husband’s love, friendship and the gift of our son. I am feeling full of love for my man, my man, my man who is good to me and for me. In 2018, we had been dating for 9 months when my wedding anniversary rolled around. He sent me flowers and reinforced in my soul that he was a keeper who had been sent to help repair my heart.

Kintsugi speaks to me as a way to process the mess; a way to absorb all the things that damage us, whether a pin prick or a boulder, and to find the ways to manage, survive and even thrive. I know that I’ll never be the same clear-eyed 28-year-old that I was on my wedding day, but I don’t want to be. The 48-year-old has been battle tested and she ain’t no punk.

Happy Anniversary 20^th Anniversary Markell aka Poopdog! I hope you’re proud of your girl and the woman she has become.