Laughter and love. On the morning that my husband Markell died, 10 years ago today, our last conversation was full of laughter and love. We were laughing together just before I called 911. And seconds later, love overflowing. My hands in his, eyes locked on one another. A short conversation between us, soul to soul. He knew. I didn’t. 20 minutes later, before any medical professional would even hint at the severity of the situation, I knew. It wouldn’t be confirmed for at least another hour, but I didn’t need the words. I knew. My heart felt it. My soul sensed it. My mind knew.
That morning has replayed in my mind about a zillion times over the last ten years. The sights, smells, colors, textures and memories are still just as vivid as they once were. The pain is not. The pain has changed. It’s no longer hot, raw and killing me from the inside. It’s a gentle and stealthy pain that stabs all the way to the bone when you least expect it. In the spaces where only pain lived, I’ve been able to let other things grow, like joy and love.
My inner circle and my village have loved on me and supported me in ways I’ll never be able to truly express. I’ve reshaped my life by choice and through sheer will at times, and it ain’t been easy. The teenager and I are thriving; something I didn’t truly think possible 10 years ago. I started writing about Markell’s death hours after he died and those words helped save me. I plan to keep using those words for my own sanity and to help other folks. Death is a reality and I’m not afraid to talk about it.
I’m launching a podcast today. The timing feels…right. Although I’d love to post episodes on a regular schedule, y’all know that’s not happening. Be on the lookout every two weeks or so, and I’ll always post here when there’s new content.
Please listen HERE and subscribe wherever you get your podcasts. Share with a friend (or 5). There are links there so you can subscribe on your favorite service. If you’re not a regular podcast listener and the idea causes you to frown in confusion, you can always listen to the episodes here on the site.
