I’ve been unable to write for several weeks. As the frequency of my sad days and migraines increase, I must acknowledge today as one heck of a “Throwback Thursday.” Today, September 4, 2014 marks what would have been my 10th wedding anniversary. Wow. I wrote THIS on my anniversary in 2012 and THIS on my anniversary in 2013. Today also marks 2 months since my hubby left this earth. Oh, and did I mention that my son started kindergarten last week?
The world is swirling around me and I’m struggling to not fly off the edge. My Daddy and my husband have given me 20 years of memories together, but few photos. The one above is one of my favorites, the day my Daddy graduated from the police academy. The grief that I feel upon losing each of them is very deep and very different. In the months preceding my dad’s terminal illness and death, I believe that I was actually coming to a place where my good days outnumbered my bad. That’s not so true anymore. I’ve found a way to get up and go through the motions (sometimes), but things are heavy and dark. I remain eternally grateful for my family and friends. There’s no telling where I’d be without them. And even as those closest to my dad face their own grief on his recent passing, they undoubtedly worry about and check on me consistently.
Writing normally brings me comfort, but I’ve been unable to do so until about two days ago. The words ran from my fingers to the keyboard and I felt a release of sorts. Part of me has been afraid to let the words flow. This morning I felt the pull to put something on the blog.
My Daddy and my husband are linked in a different way now. My two guys are gone. And as I grieve the death of my father, I am pulled back into the early stages of grieving my husband. If only we could learn and follow in the footsteps of amazing children like my son.
I’ve been thinking about you sis. Sending hugs and love through the internets.
Hi, Taya – Just want you to know I’m thinking about you and reading your always eloquent words. I can’t begin to understand the depth of your grief, but I have also been unable to write much this summer, and it’s frustrating because like for you, this was always a source of comfort to me. A friend of mine died unexpectedly a few months ago, and I am shocked at how much this has affected me. Grief is a tricky thing. I love what your son said. Kids seem to have a level of understanding and acceptance that far surpasses us “older and wiser” ones, don’t they?
I’m praying with you, for you and the babes always have the right perspective for us. Let those that love you do just that, it will provide a cover for you right now. Love and hugs from me.
My continued prayers to you and your family.
Thank you Sis for sharing this. Again, you are so brave, even in this dark time. We are here for you. You are not alone.
HUGSSS!!!
Sending you love in the heaviness and darkness, Taya.
If they were here would they allow you to do less? You only have to be strong one day at a time. Breathe, and know that you are loved and embraced. Tomorrow is a new day…and another opportunity to make their legacy mean something. Hugs and kisses, sis!
You are loved!
I am so sorry for your great losses. Grief is hard to deal with it hits us unexpectedly and out of the blue when we least expect it. Reach for what makes you happy find happiness where you can and know that people do care about you. Talk about them and keep their memory alive.
Grief is a hard emotion because it is tied in with the love that we feel for the person who is no longer here. I lost my dad to cancer in 2002, and some days it feels like minutes since he passed, the pain so strong it robs me of breath. But then there are other days when I can breathe. Those days will come for you too. Sending much love your way.
Much love to you, thank God for our babies. Sometimes they force us to see how simple life really is. They speak to our hearts without even knowing we needed a word.