It’s late, almost 4am, and I’m watching LittleTDJ sleep and I love that he can enjoy peaceful sleep from time to time. He’s had trouble sleeping at night since MrTDJ passed away. At the time of his passing, our son was 3.5 years old and he had about 50 words in his vocabulary. Most of his speech was echolalia, meaning that he immediately (and involuntarily) repeated words and phrases that were directed at him. There are moments when I’m unsure whether LittleTDJ’s memory is a blessing or a curse. He has incredibly clear memories of his father. He didn’t have the words for the moments during his father’s life, but now he does. Over the last 2 months, his curiosity and frustration regarding his father’s disappearance has been building. Things reached a fever pitch the other night and I lost my composure. We cried it out together.
He fell asleep and I fell apart.
In a moment that was Oscar worthy in the category of emotionally over wrought 4-year-olds, LittleTDJ asked to see his dad before bed and to sleep in the bed with Daddy and NOT Mommy. He specifically asked for his father and repeated, incessantly that he did not want me. I tried to keep it together. I tried to dig deep into my reserve for just a few more minutes of patience. A few more seconds of deep breathing. A moment more of prayer. I failed. My dam burst. I raised my voice. I screamed at my wonderful, brilliant, funny, sensitive and confused 4-year-old who simply misses his dad. “No, LittleTDJ, you can’t sleep with Daddy tonight. You can’t ever sleep with Daddy again. Ever. Never.”
Yup, that’s what I said. I meant it, but I didn’t mean for it to come out like that. But in that moment, it’s all that would come out. It’s all I could say. My response felt like an involuntary utterance. From the moment that my husband passed away, my pain was intensified because of the eventual loss that I knew our son would feel. I worry constantly about the absence of MrTDJ in our son’s life. I’ve always been far less concerned with my own sanity and emotional state than that of our son. He’s been aware that his dad has “gone to heaven” and that we moved from the house we used to live in with daddy. He’s rolled with the changes and adjusted very well thanks to God’s grace and the support system that I built for him. His questions in the beginning were curious statements, accompanied by confused facial expressions. It was very easy to redirect his attention to other things and kissing pictures of Daddy was enough.
Until the other night.
The other night, he would not be denied. He knew what he wanted. His Daddy. In the present. Not in a photo, not in his prayers, and not in his dreams. And for a second, he didn’t want me. Perhaps that’s what tipped the scale. I can admit that it certainly sliced like a sharp razor against tender skin. He had no way of knowing that by uttering those words he was rejecting me, denying all that I had done to fortify his world and keep him healthy from the day I realized he had been conceived. He didn’t know that he was slapping me in the face with all that I have done as a mother, since the death of his father, to not give up, to keep pushing forward and not take the easy road into that gentle night, leaving him without any living parents. How could he??? He’s only 4. He’s a 4-year-old who misses his father. He cried out in frustration to me, his mother, because I’m supposed to fix it. I’m supposed to have the answers. But, I didn’t. How could I??? We want the same thing. We want him back. But that’s impossible. It can never happen. I understand that, but LittleTDJ doesn’t. And in that moment, I couldn’t explain away his request and I couldn’t soothe his tears because they had caused mine to flow. So I raised my voice. And I told him it would NEVER happen. Because it can’t. It won’t. And then I held him while he cried himself to sleep, hurt and broken by hearing the word never, and shocked by my raised voice.
After he fell asleep, I sent myself to timeout to reflect on what I’d done, but it was too soon. The morning after “the scream”, our amazing son awoke and kissed my forehead. He gave me the most tender hug and said, “I love you mama. You’re my best friend.” He seemed to be comforting me after the storm and not the other way around.
I’ve forgiven myself but it has not been easy. I know that there are many moments ahead where LittleTDJ’s desire for his father will test my patience and emotional sanity. I will have many questions to answer and I pray that I have the words and the actions to get us through the trying times.
Girl. This post had me in tears. I hurt for the both of you. (BIG HUG)
((hugs)) Every parent has times when they get to their snapping point and sometimes we say things that we should not say, but we are human. He will remember your actions from the other 99% of the time and your patience and encouragement. You are doing a great job!
I have no words. I do have strong shoulders though, they are here whenever you have need of one.
Powerful post. As a person who has lost a mother it won’t get easy even as he gets older. I am praying for you and hope that there is comfort form your memories and that they will carry you through.
Thank you Taya! I’m in tears! This just brought back my own feelings regarding the loss of my parents. Thank you for sharing. <3
Sis.. you brought me to tears.. hugs to you and lil man. every parent loses their cool and it doesn’t get any easier.. BUT you are doing a great job and I love that he is comforting you.. you are his best friend.. don’t beat yourself up over it.. sending comforting thoughts your way!
My tears are for you and your son and for me who lost my Daddy as an adult and I too still have my days. Continue to do the best job that you can with your son, which you already are, and make sure to keep the memory of your husband and LittleTDJ’s Daddy in your hearts. Blessings to you both.
Taya, you already know EVERYTHING I could possibly say…So as difficult as it may be (for both of you) TRY to keep the faith and know that we are all here if ever/WHEN EVER you need us.
This post broke me all the way down. Keep doing the best you can, that’s all you can do.
You are an excellent mother, Taya. Excellent.
Taya..My dear friend. As i sit here wiping away the tears all I could say was MY GOD. Those were the only words I could find. I don’t know your hurt or your pain (again MY GOD) all I want to do is hug you and littleTDJ. I love you and will always be praying for you.
It happens. It happens to every parent, that loss of control when things happen that are out of our control. Know that. But also know that you are doing your best. You love him and he knows it. It’s going to continue to be trial and error sometimes, and sometimes emotions say the hell with control. You ARE his best friend. You are his everything. He will remember that because it won’t ever change.
I’m so sorry it’s so hard. It is. And some days we do better than others. That’s okay. xo
Sending both you love. You are one of the most courageous people I know!
I’m holding you and your little man in my thoughts, Taya. I only met you for a brief period of time but your strength was so evident. It feels terrible and impossible as a mother when you can’t make everything better, but he’s learning from you how people go on, through the sadness. <3
I could barely finish reading this post without my tears flowing freely. Your strength amazes me. Please don’t beat yourself up for expressing such raw emotions but you’re doing the very best with the hand you’ve been dealt. I commend you for that. Keep taking it one day at a time. I’m still praying for you guys.
Hi there. This is my first time on your blog!! Saw your post on Kita’s Blog. I felt your sons pain. And I felt yours too. I am can hardly type what emotions I felt as I read this. It’s like I want to hug both of you. I am sorry for your loss and just know you are doing the best you can. God Bless!
You’ve got me in tears over here. I cannot begin to imagine how tough this has to be for the both of you. It’s amazing how our children can comfort US, when ordinarily it would be the other way around. You’re an awesome mom, and your little one knows it! Sending prayers and hugs for you and your son.
Powerful and heartfelt. God Bless You Taya!