One year. 12 months. 52 weeks. 365 days. 8760 hours. Never have I been so cognizant of the passing of time as I’ve been since 8:20am on June 9, 2012. My husband died. My heart broke. My life changed. And then 8:21am came. 8:22am. Then June 10. Followed by June 11. And then I turned 37. Then came August 9. A wedding anniversary with no husband. And then it turned cold. And then it was 2013. And then LittleTDJ turned 4. And then it turned warm. Memorial Day came. Then, suddenly, it was June 9. Again.
Time has never passed so slowly while advancing at warp speed. I didn’t actually realize that it was possible to feel as if you were fully clothed and crawling through thick mud while simultaneously feeling as if you were sitting in the front car at the highest crest of a downward facing roller coaster. A year ago, I was content in my life as wife and mother. Today, I am forced to press on alone as a widowed mother. One year ago, LittleTDJ was a “baby boy” and still sipping from a bottle. Last week, he took the trash can to the curb by himself because that’s his new chore. Anyone who knew me prior to 6/9/12 knows that I was a talker. Nowadays, I go for long periods of silence barely answering when spoken to. 367 days ago, I was able to yap anytime and share the whimsical and the serious with the man I had loved for 20 years. Sunday night, I cried myself to sleep because I didn’t feel like there was a soul on this earth whom I could pick up the phone and call.
My faith has been one of the things to help me get through the last 367 days. I trust God and the plans that he has for my life and the life of LittleTDJ, although I still have trouble believing that it was my husband’s time to leave this earth. I recognize that he is with us in spirit and anyone who has met both MrTDJ and LittleTDJ, knows with 100% certainty that our child is HIS son. Perhaps I’ll get to a place where I can accept his passing with a mature Buddhist attitude like “everything happens for a reason” but I’ll never utter those words.
On Sunday, June 10, 2013, I awoke and stared at my ceiling. Wishing. Hoping. Praying. Breathing. And waiting. Just waiting. Waiting to feel something different. Waiting for the one year mark to mean something. Waiting for the clarity to come. Just waiting. And then nothing happened. The skies didn’t move. I didn’t hear the voice of God or MrTDJ. I would not have been stunned to have my comedian of a husband tickle my neck while saying “Gotcha” and chuckling. Relief at his having pulled off the biggest “joke” of his career would have replaced my anger. Being able to cry tears of joy over the “joke” would almost erase all the heartache that I’ve experienced.
But, instead, nothing happened.
My heart doesn’t hurt any less.
My son doesn’t miss his father any less.
And I don’t love my husband any less.
If anything, the exclamation point makes things hurt even worse.
Does the one year mark even mean anything?
Hell, I don’t know. I’ve floated between a growling bear and a crying baby since last week, so I guess it means something. I hate the saying, “Time heals all wounds”. It’s a blatant lie and I wish no one would ever, ever say it again. Even if you’re thinking it, please don’t say it. Those who have said or written it to me, I’m not angry with you; I just don’t want you to say it to anyone else who is grieving a loss. Time is a unit of measure. Specifically explained by science dictionary, time is, ” A continuous, measurable quantity in which events occur in a sequence proceeding from the past through the present to the future. ” That’s it. Time isn’t a manufactured item. It has no inherent qualities to improve ones’ life. Time is not a tangible thing. It has not gone to divinity school nor has it been licensed by Johnson & Johnson with any medicinal powers. Time is simply time. I’m not obtuse; I know people are trying to help. I can surely tell you that today, 367 days later, time hasn’t done a damn thing to heal my pain.
What I can say is that there are simply more moments between 8:20am, June 9, 2012 and the present. With each breath that I take, I am further from the last living moment that I spent with my husband. Time exists and life continues to drag me along, moment by moment. As the seconds, minutes, hours, and days pass, new moments that don’t contain my husband try to take residence in my mind. There is a constant battle within my white matter for space to store the memories of our years together and the life that began at 8:21am on June 9, 2012.
Many have alluded to or directly made comments that indicate that my time on the clock is up. As if the magical one year mark means that I must abandon my tears, toss away my rings and “get back to normal”. The notion is absurd and I’ve not responded to any of the nonsense.
One of the promises I made as the calendar changed to 2013 was to “be gentle with myself”. That is a very hard thing to do but I keep trying. MrTDJ was great at seeing the funniest side of any situation and I suppose I learned a little something along the way. When LittleTDJ turned one, MrTDJ gifted me with a bag of Tootsie Pops (my favorite) and a note that read, “Congratulations to us on not dropping or killing the kid! Looking forward to many more years in the trenches with you.”
One year after his death, I am glad that I’m not fragile. By the grace of God, and the unwavering support of my family, my inner circle of friends, friends of my husband and my online communities, I’m still fighting through each day. I could be drunk in a corner with matted hair and the funk of forty thousand years. I’m not. I continue to love and miss my husband every single day, and perhaps one day, I may no longer need to count those days.
Eric Clapton – Tears in Heaven
It has always seemed inadequate to me to say time heals all wounds. Even though its one of those sayings that automatically comes to your lips when you can’t find anything wise to say. Grief makes us all awkward and unsure. I think we have a tendency to want to say move on, just so we, the ones watching the grieving, can stop grieving with our loved ones. But it’s an individual journey, one that no one has a right to rush. So you take the time that you need. And one day, you won’t stop grieving, but rather you will remember without the pain. (BIG HUG)
With all your blogs they are so vivid as if we are talking in person. You move at your own pace and LittleTDJ will move in harmony with you. Screw what others think you should feel after a year the loss is still there. You are a wonderful person who is taking the steps necessary. (((((HUGS)))))
Prayin for you!
Praying for you!
I can only imagine your pain. I still cry for my parents who died 8 & 9 years ago. The pain is different than that of your husband I would imagine, but the loss of someone close is still a loss. I agree that time does NOT heal that hurt but I pray God continue to bless you & your son with the strength & ability to continue on. ((Hugs))
My heart hurts for you. Big (((hugs)))
MrsTDJ, your words have brought sobs of tears. I continue to pray for you and your son. I pray that the memories of MrTDJ bring you years of joy as you know he is a whisper away. May God bless you and your son and May He keep you both in his unyielding hands.
Taya – “heartbreaking” and “beautiful” are two words that can’t even begin to describe this powerful piece of writing…but they are the first two that come to mind.
I just know that this will help others feel less alone in their grief. That is an incredible gift.
This was such a heartfelt post. You are in my thoughts and prayers and have been all year.
“Time is a unit of measure” this is such a raw, hard truth. The other truth is that you are a warrior, a gift to all lives you’ve touched. I have to believe that a big part of that comes from the love the two of you have, the 20 years you grew in that love here on earth and the love that lives on. I wish I had a salve for your pain. I truly do. Useless as I am, know that my heart is with you.
You are strong, you are beautiful and God is with you always. Your husband is looking down from Heaven and he is proud of the woman you are. Thank you for sharing yourself so openly with us.
Thanks so much for being real and raw. You are teaching and reaching so many through your journey. I have to echo all of the previous comments because they said it so well. Keep walking, keep talking, keep remembering and keep loving on the little one. Many hugs and many blessings I pray for you and your family.
God knows I felt every word in the pit of my stomach. Your words are beautiful, touching and so very relevant. Thank you for sharing your journey with us. I keep hearing the old hymn “and we’ll understand it better by and by”. I hope so. I pray so. God bless you Sis.
(((HUGS))) Thank you for your post, Taya! This week I attend a funeral of a friend who’s mom passed. She is an only child. You have made me think differently so I can choose my words better. I pray you and TDJ Jr. continue to heal. It is a process and your time is your time. Be blessed, Hun:-)
TayTay- I am so at a loss for words right now. That post was so deep and detailed.
Just know that I am here for you anytime. Call, come over, text me at anytime.
Love you girlie. Praying for you and my little buddy all the time.
I’m really glad you’re still writing. I think of you and your little guy often. I agree, time heals nothing. As the years go by things tend to get easier after the loss of a loved one and I hope that’s the case for you. Keep loving and remembering and living. Those people feeling like you need to rush through your grieving need to just have a seat.
Hey Taya, thanks for sharing this! I read somewhere recently that “the days are long but the years are short.” The writer was talking about parenting, but I think it applies to grieving–especially as you’ve described it so beautifully here. When we lose someone tragically, it seems to me the first year is filled with more shock than grief. After one year, when so many people think the grieving should be wrapping up, I think perhaps it’s only just beginning.
That time is taking you further and further from your last moments with your husband just breaks my heart. The loneliness of it really comes through in this writing–something sure to make others feel less alone. I’ll be sharing this with a friend who lost her husband last August.
Wishing you strength and peace in the long days,
deb.
Taya, there’s so little anyone can say that will truly be a comfort to you, but hopefully just knowing that your words and emotions may be of some comfort to someone else… Maybe that in itself will offer you some measure of solace.
My heart aches for you more than ever after reading this post, but perhaps the hardest part to read was where you said “I didn’t feel like there was a soul on earth that I could pick up the phone and call”. You MUST know that you are surrounded both near and far by friends and family who love you and will always be there for you… I know I may not be the first person you think if when you want to talk, but even if it’s just to talk/vent/yell/curse someone out/whatever the reason, I for one am right here (& there’s plenty more where I come from). (336) ###-####… USE IT!!! ANYTIME!!! (number removed by author)
I can’t imagine how you feel. I hope you and Little Master TDJ continue to heal. I pray that you two find solace within one another.
Praying for you, your son and continued strength. (hugs)
Your post broke my heart and brought tears to my eyes. I am so sorry for your loss. I pray that you will continue to be comforted during this very difficult time.
“I’ve not responded to any of the nonsense.” Yes, no response is the best response. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.
You are a very vivid, detailed writer. I hope to one day read your books and laugh and cry just as I do with your posts. Here’s a BIG e HUG. 🙂
“Magical one year mark” made me roll my eyes. I hear that so often when albeit well meaning people utter it in times of loss. You made it to a year! Um, what? That year hasn’t done anything to quell the sadness, the confusion, the rage, the disappointment. But. You are helping others. Know that. By telling us what hurts to hear (and what makes no damn sense to say) you are giving a gift to others we may encounter, showing us how to show empathy without simultaneously alienating because we’ve said something improper.
Thinking of you still.
Love You and Pray for you sis!! You have an infectious smile and a loving and warm spirit. Praying that the practical meaning of “time” (days, hours, mins) fades away and is replaced simply with “good times” (pleasant memories, funny stories) in your mind. I still cry for my mother’s sister and she passed away 12 years ago.
Please know you and your sweet son are in my prayers. BIG hugs.
“Time isn’t a manufactured item. It has no inherent qualities to improve ones’ life. Time is not a tangible thing. It has not gone to divinity school nor has it been licensed by Johnson & Johnson with any medicinal powers.”
Taya,
Your definition of time is sobering and beautiful and true. May strength continue to be with you and LittleTDJ.
Your LTYM sister,
JJ
I have read every entry from begining to end. Thank you for your story and your insight. My best to you and little TDJ.
BIG HUGS….you guys are always in my thoughts…i need to meet you one of these days…finally!
Something that a co-worker said to me during one of my times of grief that I took to heart and needed to hear: “It is your right to grieve…how you do it is your business. Your heart is hurting and there is nothing or no-one that can fix it. Take your time, grieve as you need but try to keep getting up and breathing each and every day.”
Thank you for sharing such an open wound in such a well-spoken way. This helped my heart take two breaths to read something so near and dear to me.
Very touching post.
Oh! I am so thinking of you in this exact moment! Loss is such an overwhelming emotion that eases with time. Every now and them those feelings will come rushing in again..you’ll lose it and then quickly come to. I know your loved one is proud of you and walking side by side with you ensuring that you keep following your dreams! Thank you so much for this BLMgirls