This is a line from one of LittleTDJ’s favorite cartoons, Team Umizoomi. Briefly explained, the team of miniature superheros is given a mission each episode to help a child with a big “problem”. During this particular episode, the team is riding along on a train that is powered by bouncing shapes. Rectangles are good shapes that should be “eaten” because they will fuel the train and increase the speed. All other shapes should be “jumped” because they are bad for the train and should be avoided.
As I float along in this fuzzy existence of mine, I’m reminded that I have a daily choice. Life dealt me a devastating blow on June 9 when my husband passed away suddenly. Instantly the fabric of my life was ripped under me. From the moment when everything changed, I’ve had two choices – survive or crumble. Or as LittleTDJ might say, eat it or jump it. My definitions are a little more complex than the ones from Team Umizoomi though.
Each day that I drive to work without getting lost on a route that I’ve taken for 8 years, I’ve eaten it. Eaten the pain and allowed the feeling to somehow strengthen me. Every time that I don’t shatter when LittleTDJ says or does something in the eerie likeness of his father, I eat it. I swallow the sorrow in a way that helps to fortify my soul. Every moment that I open the mail box to a legal or financial document addressed to MrTDJ and I don’t dissolve into a puddle of tears on my front steps, I’ve eaten it. Absorbed the tears and allowed my heart to feel their sting. The loss is real and at times the pain is still fresh and raw like a new paper cut on your hand. The initial sting is sharp but the pain builds over the next few hours/days as you try to use that hand in a useful way. Dare you forget for a moment that you’ve gotten a paper cut and do something silly like squirt hand sanitizer on the affected area. Yikes!!! A fresh, deep, new round of pain.
I mustn’t surrender to it but I most certainly must eat it. If I don’t let the pain happen, I will delay the grieving and healing process. If I try to jump it for happier times, I truly believe the future will bring even tougher times. The shapes that I am eating are hard, with sharp corners. But I realize that jumping over them and avoiding the impact they would have if I were to eat them would be unhealthy. I am learning to use the pain as fuel and motivation. Although they don’t taste good, I know that in the long run, they will help to fortify me.
I MUST eat it, see it, and feel it because IT IS REAL. Jumping it, ignoring it or pretending that I’m only mildly affected by it would not be an honest reflection of my heart and psyche. Although ignoring those things would seem to “speed up” my train, doing what’s hard is surely what is required here. I’m sure there are those that have tired of my journey, either through this blog or in real life, but I’m not really worried about them. Until my husband passed away, the life struggles that a widow/widower would endure felt very abstract to me. I suppose that’s the way of any life shaping event. You don’t know until you’ve been there or traveled closely with someone else on that road.
I write because I can.
I write because I must.
I write for myself but I do choose to make some of my writings public. I’m touched that people have the desire to read. However, if my readership were zero, I’d still hit the publish button. Writing brings me peace. I write, then I release it, allow myself to breathe just a little, and then it’s time to repeat it all again.
write. release. breathe. repeat.
I give a deep and sincere thank you to the very talented Kim, from Her Name is Kim Graphic Design Boutique. She got into my head, dealt with my crazy and delivered EXACTLY the vision that I had for my online presence.
This post is EVERYTHING. Love the new site and tagline.
Awesome post. Just awesome. Love this new spot! 🙂
I love this! Absolutely LOVE.
write. release. breathe. repeat.
Perfection.
Tres bien!! Magnificent!
So light, clean and elegant. I love the re-design and I love how you are taking on your new normal, one bite at a time.
Site design.. AWESOME and truly represents you.. and the Team Umizoomi reference.. I GET IT..
Hugs!!!
Sending you hugs. Love the new layout.
Love the new look… and Keep on Keeping on there is more for you to do… & Mr. TDJ ‘s spirit is right there with you all. If you get a chance carefully watch the movie to the end… “End of Days”…he was brooding over the loss of his wife, etc… check it out when you can… Love Ma Jackson
You are a beautiful writer, I have been praying for you and will continue to show my support through prayer. Love the new look, I’ll keep your designer in mind when it’s time for a change for my blog.
Your new site looks great.
Write, release, breathe, repeat.
Yess, that’s what it’s all about.
I’m so happy you are back! And I love LOVE the new design!!!!
Love the new site! You and Kim putting your heads together crated something beautiful. Continuing to send you positive thoughts and much encouragement in the days ahead.
Pretty website I love the colors.
Keep eating…..but don’t forget to
Jump the small stuff.
Site looks amazing!
Love the new digs and tagline.
Love the site and the words written.
Love the new design and the tagline.
You cleaned your closet very well lol nice new look
Love the look and the tagline.
*hugs*
I can’t even beging to imagine your daily Eat/ Jump decisions, the pain, grief, sorrow, and the must-chug-along-for-child moments. You’re very brave and strong, and in writing and sharing, I hope the healing continues. So sorry for your loss.
Glad to have you back
So sorry for your loss! I can ONLY imagine. Secondly, I love the new design of your blog. It;s been a while since I’ve been on here but I love your writing and I WILL BE BACK!
xoxo
#blmgirl
So happy you’re back. 🙂
Really pretty design too.
im loving the new look….and so glad to read your posts again!!! btw: you need to host something so i can finally meet you one of these days!!
Love the blog!
Love the new design! Your work is awesome!
love it, it represents all of you as a person.
Just stopping by to say that I like your new design. This post spoke to me, too. I’m not dealing with the same loss as you, but I think “eat it or jump it” is a great metaphor for dealing with pain in general.
Keep on writing, releasing, breathing and repeating. Hugs to you!