I’m not writing to discuss and debate the legitimacy or emotion behind the term single mother. Nope, I’m not really interested in any kind of deep, political, racial or socio-economic debate about single mothers in our society. That’s not my soapbox. If anyone starts that foolishness in the comments, I’ll actually delete ‘cha, m’kay? Cool.
What I do want to discuss is NOT being a single mother. I am NOT a single mother. Let me repeat that once again for folks sitting in the cheap seats without a good view of the jumbrotron – I am NOT a single mother.
In the most basic of terms, yes, I am a mother and no, I do not have a living partner. I am a widow. I am a mother. I am a widowed mother. To call me single is just inaccurate. I was raised in a family that encouraged me yet set certain expectations for how my life should proceed. This isn’t judgement or censure for what anyone else was taught, how they were raised, or for the choices that they make. This is about ME. Things in my life proceeded in the way that I felt they should. I fell in love with my high school sweetheart. We dated. We got married. We bought a house. We decided together to start a family. We had a son. Then my husband died.
I fell in love with a nice kid, who turned into a decent young man, who turned into a good father and husband. I certainly wouldn’t have written the movie of my life with my husband dying at 36 but I had no choice in the matter. I did not choose to parent alone. I did not pick a bad partner. I was not deserted or abandoned. My son was not rejected.
I’m in the other box now. The widow box. When filing out paperwork, there are boxes for single, married, divorced and widowed. I am a widow. I am a mother. Just as divorced and widowed are not the same, neither are single mother and widowed mother. They simply aren’t. The person who prompted this post did not deserve my response, so I did not offer one to her. My stony glare and silence were loud and strong. Regardless of how it is intended, recognize that it is insulting to my deceased husband and it is offensive to me. Please do not refer to me or any other widowed parent as “single” because we are not.
I agree, you are not a single mother. Your child received the love of his dad which continues on through you! People can be so insensitive and I am sorry you have to deal with this in your season of mourning. Sending you my ehugs and love
Amen and truth.
I’m a single parent in the sense that my sperm donor is not a part of my childs life and that is not the case for you. You ARE NOT a single mother and I think whoever said you are is pretty ignorant.
I agree.
My mother divorced my father. She does not refer to herself and I do not refer to her as a single mother. You should continue to hold the line on that. It makes a difference to children.
Its true and just another testament to the standards of society now. People just assume if you aren’t currently in an active marriage you must be a single mother. I appreciate the celebration and even maybe the acceptance of single motherhood – but your story is one that makes me wonder if it IS such a positive thing. Because now we’ve created a world where as you said, widowed mothers are not even considered when speaking about women who’s partner (for whatever reason) is not a part of their child’s life. Very very interesting.
Well stated.
Well said, T! This is your truth and don’t let anyone tell you anything different.
Thank you for shedding light on this topic. Very well stated & understood.
You caught my attention on BLM and as a Single Mom, the first thing that I thought when I read the title was, “Dang. Here We Go.” I have to say that after reading this post, I have to agree with you, you are not a single mom. There is a difference. Thanks for writing this and setting the record straight! http://www.thesexysinglemommy.com
I agree with you wholeheartedly. You are NOT a single mother and for someone to refer to you as such is wrong. Thank you for that post!
This is so true and it does matter to the children. My mom died when I was a teenager and my dad also got offended when people would refer to him as a single dad or would ask how he got custody. People are just ignorant. Stand firm.
Thank you for sharing this. You’re not a single mother but I can’t understand someone confusing you for one.
I must say you run into people who start some of the most asinine junk! Thanks for posting this I hope it helps to educate some of the less enlightened! For some reason people LOVE to assume and put people in groups/boxes of their own choice. You are correct there is a definite difference between single, divorced, and widowed. Go On Ms TDJ set ’em straight!
Hmmm…this is very interesting. I have a friend who’s wife died in December and I have referred to him as a single dad on several occasions. I guess I never thought about this perspective. I totally understand it. I have further complicated it by wondering if that “single” stigma has the same meaning between men and women. Hmmm…..In any case I get what you are saying and will consider it when I am talking to him and to others.
As Regina stated it is crazy the dumb comments people have made to you. So truly awful and I agree that this is an important distinction that is rarely, if ever, discussed. In the wake of September 11 especially I’d be interested to see if the sentiment varies with the thousands who suddenly became widowed parents.
Isn’t sad how we are quick to use certain terms thinking we know better. Thanks for this post…always thinking about you!!
There is a distinction and you are right to correct people on it.
Sorry 🙁
Well said!
well said! and I agree!
People don’t fully assess the things that they say Iyou are a widowed mother and that is that
People and their many levels of insensitivity and ignorance amaze me. There is (as you pointed out) a distinct difference. If others chose to ignore this, that’s their truth, not yours.
Hugs and Mocha,
Stesha
I am a widow at 43. A house fire took my husband and left my little girl of 11 yrs old with burns on 81% of her body about a year and half ago. He lived for three months in a hospital 300 miles from my daughter. She got out of the ICU 5 days before he died
She and my (physically) unharmed 17 yr old are back in school and moving along.
I am single. I am a mother
I clicked a link to this sight only to gain insight.
It makes me feel bad to be talked down to by other women for my semantics. You state vehemently you aren’t here to discuss this that and the other thing and yet only do exactly that. And clearly delete any posts that don’t laud you. To me that is annoying and self centered.
Just wanted to find some support that it gets easier or something. Instead got a sphew of bitterness over words.
Maybe there’s a reason. Probably money. Book deal or something.
Anyway. Sorry for bitching but I wanna bitch.
Good luck.
Good afternoon,
It’s unfortunate that my post offended you.
I have no intention of deleting it, as you can see – I’ve posted it and my response below.
I am very sorry for your loss. Losing one’s partner is one of the most devastating life events that can occur. The anger that you are directing toward me is misdirected.
You may choose to call yourself whatever you wish. My post was about ME. And I asked people to consider their word choice because there are others widows and widowers who could be offended. There is no one solution fits all, similar to how I don’t mind and tend to embrace the term “black”, yet I know many others who embrace “African American”.
I am in no way self-centered or bitter, so I’ll simply chock that with the rest of your comment as coming from an angry place.
I am getting the appropriate therapy to help me through this difficult life change and I’d encourage you to do the same. Arguing and attacking a stranger on the internet is not particularly healthy.
A widow is a widow withou a husband. A single parent is one were there marriage did not work out or some unfortunate lady who was abandoned by the child’s father. There is a difference. My late husband fought very hard to stay for his wife and children. I am not angry but sad. But I am proud to tell my children he fought hard to stay. Not all widows are angry. But it is annoying when you hear off selfish single mums feeling sorry for themselves for getting involved with parts abs expects the world to feel sorry for them.
I completely agree with on this 100%. I remember during a job interview, the Head Hunter kept on addressing my “status” on my CV that I am a single mother wherein I have placed an “x” on the widow status box on my application. It’s not that I look down on people who are either a single mother or father but there is a big difference if a person is a widow or a widower and your explanation on that difference really hit bullseye. Kudos to you.
😀
Hi MrsTDJ, I have shared this note of yours on my FaceBook page. I hope you don’t mind. Thanks!
My husband dies last month. I have one son who is 18 years old. I hate to think of myself as a single mother. I am 57 years old and my husband was 67 years old when he died suddenly of a heart attack. We were married 21 years- there was no divorce.
I googled “I’m a widow not a single mom” and cake across this. It’s not a club I wanted to join, but here I am. And I’m not a single mom. I know some great ones, but our struggles are not the same. I feel like being labeled a single mom disrespects my late husband’s legacy.